When I met Kate at the What To Expect November 2014 forum, I never thought I’d know her story like I do now.
We started following each other on Instagram when one day I asked for guest bloggers for A Mom In Training. She reached out to me and sent me her story below.
This is a guest post by Kate over at The Haunted Crow blog where she blogs about the down right honest trials and tribulations about eating disorders, pregnancy, and now motherhood. Her story absolutely amazes me and makes me wanna give her a HUGE hug! She is so inspiring and encouraging to other moms who may be going through what she did.
I love how honest and REAL she is (I know you will, too). We exchanged emails back and forth and she described pregnancy with anorexia as “a super tangled knot in your hair. There’s bits and pieces all intertwined that come from all over and it’s really hard to untangle. You can’t undo it all at once; you have to go piece by piece and while you’re working on one part, a part you’ve already untangled gets re-tangled!”
Kate also has a YouTube channel where she talks about mommyhood, eating disorders, and pregnancy. She’s got nearly 300 videos up!
Enjoy her story…
My daughter Mara was born November 23, 2014. She was (and still is) perfect and healthy. I had a long, tough labor but was able to give birth to her without a C-section.
Mara is my miracle baby. You see, I’ve had an eating disorder since I was 14 years old – that’s over a decade – and I was told by several doctors that it was unlikely I would ever have children. Years of self-starvation had taken their toll on my body and it was thought that I would be unable to sustain a pregnancy.
Last March, when those little plus signs showed up on the pregnancy tests, I knew my life had changed forever. No longer could my number-one worry be my weight or body shape. Never again could I spend hours figuring out how to cut just ten more calories. Gone were the days of spending two, three, four hours straight at the gym in an effort to burn off anything I had eaten. That had been my lifestyle for twelve years… and in an instant it changed.
The pregnancy was hard. At the beginning, nobody thought the fetus would survive. She did, though, and so did I, although my eating disorder self thought the world was ending. As time went by and I felt little kicks and flutters, I found new resolve to keep eating enough despite my growing panic.
All these years I starved myself because, for whatever reason, I felt I deserved it. But the little baby growing in my belly? She didn’t deserve it. She had done nothing wrong, nothing to deserve such punishment. I couldn’t do that to her. And so every day I made the choice to eat… for her. The eating disorder thoughts were always there and always loud, but I was able to push them away.
Having a daughter scares the daylights out of me! How am I going to talk to her about weight and body image one day? What will I do when she, inevitably, hears someone self-deprecatingly call themselves fat? Will I tell her about my one eating disorder? What if, God forbid, she gets one too? How will I help her navigate this extremely body-centric society where celebrities get bashed for being too fat and then too thin in the next breath? These are all questions that I don’t have answers to yet, but I’m hoping the right answers will present themselves with time.
All I know is that I love my Mara Soleil more than I ever loved my figure which was, until Mara came along, my pride and joy. Pregnancy with an active eating disorder was hard. But without all that uncertainty and fear, I wouldn’t have ever discovered what I was capable of. Was it easy? No way. Was it worth it? Absolutely.
Visit Kate over The Haunted Crow and tell her I sent you! I recommend reading her About Me page first. It’s absolutely intriguing.